Kim Page: Physics Humour

		Kim Page

Physicists

A young physicist, upon learning that he was denied tenure after six productive years at a University in San Francisco, requested a meeting with the Provost for an explanation, and a possible appeal.
At the meeting, the Provost told the young physicist, "I'm sorry to tell you that the needs of the University have shifted somewhat, during the past six-years leading up to your tenure decision. In point of fact, what we now require is a female, condensed-matter experimentalist. Unfortunately, you are a male, high-energy theorist!"
Dejected but not defeated, the young physicist thought for a moment about the implications of the Provost's words. "Sir," he said, "I would be willing to convert in two of the three categories you mention, but ... I'll never agree to become an experimentalist!"

A physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling.
The onlookers were worried, so they asked him why the smile.
"I just realized how lucky I am because the kinetic energy is only 1/2 mv²."

You enter the laboratory and see an experiment. How will you know which class is it?

If it's green and wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If it doesn't work, it's physics.

The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment.
"Hmmm," says the theorist, "That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason."
A long logical explanation follows. In the middle of it, the experimentalist says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this is upside down." He fixes it.
"Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".

A mathematician, an engineer and a physicist sat around a table discussing how to measure the volume of a cow. The mathematician suggested the use of geometry and symmetry relationships of the cow, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of being too time consuming. The engineer suggested placing the cow in a pool of water and measuring the change in the height of the water, but his idea was rejected on the grounds of impracticality. "It's easy," said the physicist. "We'll make an asumption that the cow is a small sphere, calculate the volume and then blow it up to the actual size."

Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman.
The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

You Might Be a Physicist if...

the water in your kettle is boiling at 373 Kelvin.

you know that the speed of light is 299,792.5 km/sec.

you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

you've already calculated how much you earn per second.

you are sure that differential equations are a very useful tool.

you are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

you know the second law of thermodynamics, but not your own shirt size.

you avoid stirring your coffee because you don't want to increase the entropy of the universe.

you try to explain entropy to strangers at your table during casual dinner conversation.

your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.

you're at a wine tasting event and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the Chardonnay.

you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of an experiment that actually takes five minutes to run.

Engineers

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark £1 Knowing where to put it £49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" they asked. Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."